The Magic Bullet / by Deborah Clague

I only recently subscribed to the full cable television package through Shaw. Before this, my life was a miasma of bad reality programming and even more horrid 'Friends' reruns (I can't be the only one who dry heaves at the sight of David Schwimmer). Now I can't get enough OLN. Not only because it offers me a daily 'Amazing Race' fix, but because it is THE station for bad awesome infomercials! I guess physically active individuals in the 18-34 age bracket are the primary demographic for such innovative, time-saving devices like Slap Chop, Bumpits and this - the only product ever endorsed by swingers - the Magic Bullet.  

It begins not-so-innocently enough at a breakfast bar in a McMansion, which is curiously stocked like an all-you-can-eat buffet. "Berman", a used car salesman/alcoholic junkie, is one of the first overacted characters to arrive. He is offered a fruit smoothie to ail his woes, the previous night clearly having taken a toll on him. I suspect an anal probe was involved somehow, possibly as part of a Freemason ritual gone awry. As he chugs his pint of strawberry-banana deliciousness, more people enter the scene. The "bar" is filling with middle-aged spread faster than the Palomino club on a Friday night. Drinks are passed around. Omelettes served. The morning after is clearly time for post-coital celebration and product demonstration. 

They use this "Magic Bullet" to make a morning feast including freshly-ground coffee, muffins...did somebody say muffins? Holy shit! Who is THAT?! A muu-muu wearing, chain-smoking hag has entered the kitchen. It is never stated whether "Hazel" (said hag) is with Berman or was perhaps invited to the orgy in a blind date scenario with him in mind, but clearly they are OTP. Even though they are sitting on opposite ends of the room, I feel the unbridled passion - and shared lice infestation - between them. 

Now I don't know how to cook, but after watching this infomercial I have learned two things:

  • the Magic Bullet can do any job in the kitchen in 10 seconds or less, including stuffing a turkey and boiling an egg
  • every meal starts with chopped garlic

It appears you don't even have to wash this thing. For three easy payments of $33.33, I'm sold! You even get a second set free...I'd give it away, but I want the party to be at my house. Just bring your own strawberries...and bananas.