11 Nights 'til Halloween / by Deborah Clague

Clowns are scary. But something even more terrifying - and all too real - prowls the streets of modern suburbia...lurking in select convenience store parking lots in search of dignity and Faygo. They are the people that follow these clowns. They are Juggalos. 

If you've never heard this term before, consider yourself lucky. What was once the product of a secret experiment conducted by the FBI to study the effects of methamphetamine use during pregnancy has evolved into a cult of "dark carnival" worship. Congregating en masse every year at some unfortunate city in the midwest, the Juggalo's bring with them chaos, mayhem and disease that scientists haven't yet identified. Oh and bad music. Really shitty music. 

Should you perchance witness these feral beasts in their natural habitat, it is recommended to not make direct eye contact. While the creatures display plumage associated with drawing attention to themselves, it is always best to divert one's gaze, lest you encourage their behavior. They are known for being anti-social outside of their pack and will most likely bite if approached. Thus far, breeding within the subspecies has been successfully controlled thanks to new advances in lasik technology. Extinction is predicted by 2025.   

It is rumored that the following video of their annual gathering has made proponents of evolution join the clergy post-haste. Darwin down: